I've been spending my days just chilling with Aerie. It's been pretty calm. Quiet. Yet not so. She's really finding her voice and has taken to gurgling and blowing raspberries and going "oooohhhOOOhhhhHHHH." I just lie beside her, pull her up close and let her touch my face, grab her feet and listen to her stories.
I wonder what she's saying. What she's thinking.
Being a mom.
Being a mom has changed me so much. I sometimes wonder who I am, yet I know this who I am meant to be. She has made me stronger and more sensitive. I cry at shows that show a baby in distress now. I cry at commercials. I cry at sad songs. Yet I'll stand up for myself, for my daughter at any time. I don't take no bullshit. I don't have time for it.
I'm leaving every Saturday this month for a competition I'm in. That's harder than I thought. I miss her so much when I'm gone. I'm constantly looking for things to buy her. Thank God owls are a huge thing right now. And yet I love my time alone. I feel a sense of accomplishment, a sense of power and direction. I know that I'm leaving her for our own good, to better myself as a business woman, as a photographer.
It's taken me a good six months to really feel like this is it, this is my life. I'm no longer missing what could have been. Sure, I hear about my cousins going out or cool trips but then I'm excited about taking my mini-me on trips, on showing her Vancouver where I stayed, on showing her Toronto and meeting her Aunties out there. I make my plans based on her and my family, and I know that she's my number one. It's a good feeling to finally feel... like Mom.
1 comments:
I think it's extremely important to have "me-time". Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter & yes, I'm her mother, but I'm still me & need to do things for me to be sane! (that felt like a run-on sentence? haha)
Long story short, I totally understand where you're coming from!
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