7 Months

You learned how to hold your own sippy cup. Drinking from it still is kind of a new concept for you. You prefer to chew on the nub and gargle with the water. It's hilarious. 

New Year's Eve was perfect for me. I woke you up, by accident, ten minutes before Midnight. You were calm, sleepy and content to lay in my arms, playing with my face. I counted down to 2012 with you while Allen played cards upstairs with my parents. Then I gave you a kiss, fed you a bit of your bottle, and you fell right back to sleep. 

You were also fed chip-dip. I was so damn furious. I am sick of a few certain people thinking it's funny to feed you junk food and sugar. You were fed pop. You were fed chip-dip. All behind my back, without my permission. These people are ignorant and they don't get it, so they are not allowed to hold you/feed you. It's not safe, it's not healthy and I do not want you to be fed sugar and salt in such high concentrates. Gross. If I don't eat that shit, why would I feed it to you? ARGH! I still get so mad. But letting it go. All I can do is limit their contact with you. 

We bought you your first playpen. We had stayed at a hotel a few days before and usually, you sleep in the drawer but on the last trip, your feet were hanging out. Mommy Fail. So we went to get you a playpen. I looked at all the stores in Saskatoon and finally found a clean, basic black one. I hate the ones with animals, polka dots, etc. Just modern and simple, please. You love it. You play in it, you nap in it upstairs, you are learning to pull yourself up on it. 

You've learned to blow "raspberries". So cute.

On the 9th, we went to Patuanak. Your Great-Grandpa (your Dad's Mom's Dad) passed away. We managed to hit the ditch (your first time). Then we were at the wake and you heard the Dene Elders start to sing the hymns in Dene. It's quite beautiful, but haunting. Mournful. Well, your dad had to bring you right to me. You had huge crocodile tears in your eyes. You were sad. My sensitive little baby. I love you. 

I had already started you on veggies, so we continued with fruits. You are like a little bird, with fruits. Lurve 'em. Open your mouth so wide, growl at me when I don't feed you fast enough.  

I took you to meet your Grandma Coleen and your Grandpa Don. They are two very special people in my life - they were my anchor for a time, a home to run to when I was needing it - and you charmed them, completely. Grandma Colleen especially. She can't wait to see you again. I can't wait to bring you. There are very few people in Saskatoon I'm willing to take you to, since we're always so go-go-go when we are there. But for them, of course. Always. Anytime. You are going to be so loved by them. 

We tried to feed you rice cracker. You're not teething yet but you like to chew on things to massage your gums. But you think the Rice Crackers are toys. You love to bang them around. The few times you've had a bite of them, you've actually shuddered. 

You have tummy time almost everyday in the living room. You can wiggle a lot and hold yourself up on your arms, but you haven't got the hang of crawling just yet. Which is fine. I love the weight of you on my hip, the feel of your hands holding onto my tank strap or feeling my face as we wander around the house. 

Your daddy and I left you alone for a night with your Mama Campbell. I missed you so damn much. I had to go to Saskatoon for work for the night, and me and your Dad hadn't been out together in 7 months or so (coincidence?) so Mama babysat while we went. Then I cruised back so I could be home for your bath. I bought you owl stuff, of course. It was the third time I had ever left you overnight. It was stressful. When will I stop counting my nights away? 

We bought you a sleigh, finally. We went through your first cold snap of Winter (it got to -37 with windchill) but after that, we bought you a cute little red sleigh. It has a seat, a seat belt, a handle. We took you for your first sleigh ride. You were actually kind of unimpressed with it, like it was something you did all the time. I was way more excited about it. 

You have about 10+ stuffed owls. You will get more, I'm sure. I can't help it. I know this trend will end. 

I made pact to stop buying you clothes until March. It's been going real good. Haven't bought you anything yet (only clothing with owls is allowed). Your Mama, on the other hand, is still buying you clothes. I think she has a problem. 

I kiss you everyday, every time I hold you in my arms. You will, one day, push me away and mean it, and you will break my heart. So I will just kiss you more. I love you. 

heartache

Aerie falls asleep on her side, her arms wrapped around whatever stuffed animal happens to be in the crib. Yes, I let her sleep with a stuffy or with a small pillow. So she's asleep, her leg thrown over the pillow, her arms hugging it. And it makes me smile. She sleeps like me. I'm constantly hugging or snuggling up to Allen or the pillow or the blankets. I rarely sleep on my back, never on my stomach. 

I lean over the crib, careful to keep quiet, and smell her hair, kiss her cheek, and resist the urge to pick her up and cuddle her. Bedtime. It's such a relief some days, yet tonight it feels like the end of a play date. I must wait another 10+ hours to play with her again, to hear her voice, to see her smile. I have to wait to pick out another outfit for her to wear, to comb her hair and to throw in her signature bow. To tickle her feet and watch her blow raspberries. To listen to her babble "dadadadada" and only occasionally, mumble "mummumumum." 

My brothers upstairs, playing guitar and singing some lonely country tunes. Allen is watching an old Disney cartoon that he had been watching with Aerie. Cartoons are always on nowadays. Mom and Dad are talking quietly in the living room, I can hear her laughter. And on the baby monitor, I can hear the radio playing softly and the small breathing sounds she's making. The grunts and groans as she dreams. She is not a quiet dreamer, that one. 

Last night Allen and I were lying in bed, talking about her. We are always talking about her. I was trying to explain how much I love her. How much it hurts sometimes, how much I love her. That beautiful ache in my heart that says "She is mine. And I made her. I made something so perfect and beautiful. She is everything." I don't know if he understood me, but I think he loves her just as fiercely. Just in a different way.

late night thoughts

I've been spending my days just chilling with Aerie. It's been pretty calm. Quiet. Yet not so. She's really finding her voice and has taken to gurgling and blowing raspberries and going "oooohhhOOOhhhhHHHH." I just lie beside her, pull her up close and let her touch my face, grab her feet and listen to her stories. 

I wonder what she's saying. What she's thinking. 

Being a mom. 

Being a mom has changed me so much. I sometimes wonder who I am, yet I know this who I am meant to be. She has made me stronger and more sensitive. I cry at shows that show a baby in distress now. I cry at commercials. I cry at sad songs. Yet I'll stand up for myself, for my daughter at any time. I don't take no bullshit. I don't have time for it. 

I'm leaving every Saturday this month for a competition I'm in. That's harder than I thought. I miss her so much when I'm gone. I'm constantly looking for things to buy her. Thank God owls are a huge thing right now. And yet I love my time alone. I feel a sense of accomplishment, a sense of power and direction. I know that I'm leaving her for our own good, to better myself as a business woman, as a photographer. 

It's taken me a good six months to really feel like this is it, this is my life. I'm no longer missing what could have been. Sure, I hear about my cousins going out or cool trips but then I'm excited about taking my mini-me on trips, on showing her Vancouver where I stayed, on showing her Toronto and meeting her Aunties out there. I make my plans based on her and my family, and I know that she's my number one. It's a good feeling to finally feel... like Mom. 

6 Months

This is how you "talk" with your Cousin Ava - we miss her so much. 

I  left you overnight with Mama Campbell to go Xmas Shopping in Saskatoon. It was only my second time leaving you overnight - the first being when I had to go for surgery (you were 2 months old). I called every few hours. Mom said you fussed a lot that night - that you knew I was gone. I was SO GLAD.

On December 1st, we started feeding you pablum. I let Daddy feed you for the first time while I filmed it.  You took to it like a pro. Now, we feed you twice a day and you still love to eat. You mimic the movements of our mouths, you try to eat your bib to get the last of the pablum that we missed, you grunt when we don't feed you fast enough. Adorbs. 

On the 9th, we let you have a sippy cup. Mama let you use the old one that Ava had used but of course, I went out and bought you one with handles. You love it. We just put water in it, and I doubt we will ever get in the habit of putting juice in there. You've since learned to hold it on your own and you enjoy gnawing on it, lying down and watching hockey. Hilarious. 

This is you and Soccer, your mommy's old Cabbaga Patch Doll. You loves him. 

You said "mum." I think you did. Mum and Dada seem to be on your list of babble words but I'm doing my very best to train you to say Mum first. Of course, one morning, you stretched, opened your eyes and said "Hi, Mum." Creep-eee. 

You are making up your own sleep schedule again. I let you nap from 6:30 - 7:30 PM and you were absolutely wired from 7:30 - 10 PM. I'm talking stretching, babbling, eating, laughing, giggling, crawling attempts, playing, babbling, moving, wiggling, twirling... non-stop movement. So funny. But usually you're asleep by 8:30/9:00 PM. You need your beauty sleep. 

You scoot along the floor on your back. You cry and fuss on your tummy. I can handle it. It makes me laugh. You'll be walking before long anyways and then we'll miss the scooting days. 

You take 2 hour naps in the am and pm now, and Mommy loves you for it. usually I can sleep right along with you but on those busy days when I can't, those 2 hours let me get a lot done. And when you wake up and I go to see you, you are so happy to see me. You smile that huge open-mouth grin, all toothless and with your one dimple showing. Melts my heart. 

Action movies are for you. Papa Campbell watched Conan the Barbarian with you at almost top volume (he's a little deaf) and you were entranced. You were shouting at the screen, waving your arms, cheering, smiling, frowning, yelling when someone else would yell on screen. It was such a funny time. 

Chilling with your Godmother

You took a bath with your cousin Colton for the first time. It was hilarious. he asked about your boobies and where your peepee is. He was pouring water on you and you were kicking your feet and splashing and laughing so hard. you love your cousin Colton, that's for sure. 

We've taken you to two of Colton's hockey games. You love it. You have your own little columbia jacket and mitts and you sit there, waving your hands, yelling at the ice, watching the people. You're too busy that you even forget to eat and then all of a sudden, you're ravenous. You love people. 

You got to open gifts since the 20th on. You are so spoiled. So. Spoiled. But it's so great to see all the owl goodies coming your way. People know how to entertain me, that's for sure. 

Xmas Morning in your new Wagon

You turned 6 months on the 24th. You went to Midnight mass and gave us an excuse to cut out early. Thank you ;) You woke up nice and early on Xmas Day and there was a stocking for you to open. Then Mommy looks around and says to Grandma.. "So where's Aerie's Santa Gifts?" 

Mom looks at me and says "Tenille... you're Santa." 

It sunk it. 

Mommy Fail. 

But six months. I can't believe it's already been 6 months. Half a year and now you're going to be crawling, walking, talking, eating. Just constantly growing. 

Just cuddle me sometimes, as you grow up. I loves you. ;) 

blahblahblahblah

My life is one big list and I am going crrraazzzyyyyy. It irritates me that I live by a to-do list now, but that's life with a baby now, I guess. Do bottles. Do laundry. Do sheets. Clean bathroom - especially tub. Clean living room. Sweep floor.

I shouldn't sound so ungrateful, but this is my blog and I trust that my friends who read it understand I'm not complaining about my child, I'm complaining about the drudgery I have let my life become.

I am so not in the mood for this.

Tomorrow is Tuesday. I'm going to take Aerie and take off. I'm not sure where yet. Possibly PA. Get the last of my shopping done. Possibly North Battleford, for a change of scenery. But I have to move, to do something. To take my child and be adventurous, not that she would notice, at all.

But I would.

5 Months

You rolled this month. At first it was half-way then one day (Nov. 3rd),when no one was even in the room, you rolled over in your crib and started screaming bloody murder because you couldn't figure out how to roll back. Your Uncle Leroy was here with Auntie Diana and Parker and he came to see you, as you were s'posed to be sleeping, and came and told us. Figures you would be amazing when no one was there to watch you. 

You were sleeping through the night then you started getting up again then you started sleeping through the night. I can usually depend on you to go at least 5 hours straight and not really "wake-up" but sometimes, you just like to screw with me and you are up and smiley and laughing and babbling... and how can I resist that?  

You have started sitting by yourself, surrounded by pillows and blankets. You can balance yourself, you little tripod, but I'm a wreck. I'm constantly trying to catch you. Yet you still manage to faceplant at least once a day. Mommy Fail. You think it's hilarious. Fearless. You are fearless. 

Bahahaha. Your Uncle TK was here (Nov. 18th) and picked you up, cuddled you. You are a cuddle magnet, btw. Then he started speaking in this real saaaddd tone - "Whose fightiinnnggg yyoouuu?" because you had been yelling at us. And you then burst into huge crocodile tears. Your lip was quivering, your eyes teared up and you just cried. I came running and snatched you out of his hands. First time hearing you cry like that and it broke my heart. Then we all burst out laughing... because we're like that. 

You can't crawl. In fact, you really hate tummy time. But you've managed to learn to scoot along on the floor on your back. Lord help me, you are freaking hilarious. 

Your hair has thinned out - but with that amount of hair, who can really tell?

You have way too many bows and headbands and hairties. But it's cute. 

You outgrew all your holiday shoes so I had to go buy you more. You are growing so fast I'm constantly wondering where my baby has gone. I shop at Once Upon A Child, Value Village, and this online consignment store called ItsyBitsy. You dress like a rockstar and it's cheap too, which is fun. Mom calls you my little doll because I dress you like a little adult. But I don't want you lazing the day around in sleepers so yeah, you wear your skinny jeans and your peasant tops and you know what... you rock them. My baby gots style.  

You are stunning. Beautiful. You have these large doe eyes, perfect bow shaped lips and this clear dewy skin. You're like a mini-Snow White. I have had strangers come up to me in the mall and ask me if you modelled. I have had one woman try and give me her contact info for baby modelling or something to do with tv. 

And while that is amazingly wonderful and kind... I don't think so. 

While I do think you are so very pretty (I may be biased) I want you to appreciate your smarts. Your ambition. Your athleticism. I want you to worry about your slapshot and your next essay, not what your skin looks like or how your jeans fit. I hope I can raise you to be that woman who has confidence, who moves with pride and strength, who is aware of the world. 

We still read every night, you and me. You try and turn the pages and I try and read in a rhythm that everyone seems to just get, and we muddle through. You like it and I enjoy our extra cuddle time. I've also started to read you poetry. We've started on Neil McLeod's "Songs to Kill a Whitikow".  Your godfather Tal thinks I'm insane to read you poetry but I think it's just more awareness of language, which is great. 

I bring you into bed with me every morning. You snuggle right up to me, look up at me, stick your thumb in your mouth and start to jibberjabber about your night. You tell me all your dreams, all your stories, all your jokes. You stretch and pull on your feet, you try and roll away but always come back to me. You constantly reach up and touch my face, try and stick your fingers in my mouth, and you smile when I smile. 

I adore our morning cuddle time. 

Happy 5 Months, Aerie. Mummy loves you. 

life can hurt sometimes

I've been in a rough place mentally and it's not something I can talk about. That's what sucks. I really feel as if I'm in a dark hole and there are only five people who know what I'm going through, but that's my choice. I keep my private issues private, even though I have a blog. 

All I will say is that I made a choice and I'm sticking through with it. And sometimes I wonder if it's the right choice, the easy choice, or the hardest choice I've ever had to make. I struggle with it everyday. But life goes on and hopefully, change happens. 

In brighter news, it is Aerie's First Christmas Season. I am so excited for her. I've been dressing her in Holiday Clothes since the 1st (yes, the poor girl has enough holiday clothes to last all season) and the Christmas Tree went up yesterday and now I'm slowly wrapping her prezzies. I'm only giving her one small bag of things this Christmas - she'll play with the paper more than the item, I'm sure. But Mom and Dad have this massssive box under the tree for her.. and I am soclose to opening it, you have no idea. 

My brother Tal will be home for the holidays, which is great. Trent is in Charleston with his lil' family, whom we will Skype, and TK is at work until after the New Year, which sucks but that means we get two Xmas Days to open gifts. yay! 

I don't want anything this year. Nothing that can be bought. I want Aerie to have fun. I want Mom and Dad to enjoy the season. I want Trent, Cayla and baby Ava to have a great First Christmas together. I want TK, Darla and Colton to cherish this last Christmas as a family of three - soon to be a family of four!  I want Tal to find peace and joy in his life. 

And for me? I want to cherish every moment, every smile that Aerie has, every cuddle. Love my girl.